The Stool-ite Eight

The Stool-ite Eight is set, ladies and gentleman. We've wiped out 8 pooping catalysts and are left with the best in the biz. The competition is getting hotter now and with that we're bound to get a few bacon strips in the undies. Lets get to the matchups...

1. Chipotle vs 9. Sloppy Joes
4. Natty Light vs. 5. Refried Beans

15. Chili's Texas Cheese Fries vs. 10. Cheesy Gordita Crunch
3. Chili vs. 6. Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pockets

On one end of the bracket we've got some heavy hitters moving on. Chipotle should have no trouble with #9 Sloppy Joes in my opinion, but they are going to face a pooping behemoth in either Natty Light or Refried Beans. Whoever comes out of this bracket is going to be beaten up, just like walking out of the bathroom after a 30 minute sesh dealing with constipation.

At the bottom of our bracket we've got #15 Florida Gulf Coast University Chili's Texas Cheese Fries who upset 2 seed White Castle going up against #10 Cheesy Gordita Crunch who upset 7 seeded Kebabs. The winner of this matchup of the underdogs (prairie dogs?) will face the winner of #3 Chili vs. #6 Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pockets.

Who will make it to the Muddy Four? Only Cousin Bern knows.

(2) White Castle Burgers vs. (15) Chili's Texas Cheese Fries

Double header today to make up for yesterday. One of the most talked about match ups falls into the night cap spot. Perennial power White Castle Burgers going up against the always dangerous Chili's Texas Cheese Fries. Let's get into it:

Texas Cheese Fries

Not sure if everybody has had these cheese fries or not, but they can go toe to toe with anybody in the bracket. Outback's Aussie Cheese Fries have been recognized by Men's Health as the worst food to eat in America, but they can't even shake a stick at Chili's version because of one thing: jalapeños. Those little suckers kick this grease pit up a notch. Add the jalapeños and it feels like shards of fiberglass are tearing apart your sphincter. Basically, think of vikings raping and pillaging the coast inside your intestines. Lot of regret when you put that show on.

White Castle

The opinion on White Castle seems to be completely split. Either they have the easiest run to the finals in the tournament, or they're going to get knocked out in the first round and nobody will miss them. My question to the doubters, have you ever really eaten White Castle? I mean, seriously eaten it? Scientists have studied White Castle burgers and found out that they transform white blood cells into grease. If you say you're ready to take on the world after a White Castle run then you're a lying, tough guy wannabe. White Castle is a pooping institution. Nobody wins with either of these guys, but only one can move on.

Vote in the comments or on twitter @bupoops, @wtbubeanpot or @evilbigshibber. Feel free to stir up discussion with your thoughts and experiences. Voting ends Tuesday at midnight (or 12 AM Wednesday).

(5) Refried Beans vs. (12) Cane's Chicken Fingers

Had to recover after a Natty weekend. Happens. Right back into the bracket with a big matchup between refried beans and Raising Cane's Chicken. Let's get into it:

Cane's Chicken Fingers

For those of you outside of the Boston University community, you may not be too familiar with the Comm Ave Poop Powerhouse that is Raising Cane's. Try to imagine the heaviest chicken fingers you've ever eaten. The type that you have to plan your day around because, once you eat Cane's, your next four hours are shot. You feel terrible about yourself right through the massive exodus. Pooping out Cane's chicken is the equivalent of birthing a child made of solidified grease. Still, it feels so right going down that you can't help but get back in there and have another one. It's earned its spot in the bracket, and could be heading for the classic 12 over 5 upset.

Refried Beans

To be clear, these aren't respectable refried beans. These aren't from some classy mexican restaurant. These are the beans from the can that retain the ridges when they pop out. The beans that act like a mexican paste on your food. The beans that stir up the nasty farts to warn you of impending poop doom. They punish you like a freight train speeding right for your butthole, then stick around so you're worried about skid marks on old Boxer Way. Run through this matchup a thousand times, and still can't figure out which one is worse.

Vote in the comments or on twitter @bupoops, @wtbubeanpot or @evilbigshibber. Feel free to stir up discussion with your thoughts and experiences. Voting ends Tuesday at midnight (or 12 AM Wednesday).

Natty Takes Down Prunes

It wasn't even close. This is what happens when a demographic decides not to vote. Fucking old people...

(4) Natty Light vs. (13) Prunes

The 4 vs 13 seed is the most interesting matchup of the tournament thus far. It looks like it will be a blow out, it probably should be a blow out, but prunes still have some hope. Let's get into it.

Prunes:

Has anyone eaten a prune? Hell, has anyone ever even seen a prune? Natty wins this in a landslide until you consider some hard facts. Check out the 2013 Pant Pooper Power Rankings from Elias, charting which people shit themselves the most:

1) babies/ old people (tie)

2) drunk college kids

And you know what provides the anal fuel for those old folks? Prunes. You walk into a retirement home and ask about prunes, you'll get a knowing wink and a faint aroma of Hershey's butt chocolate. Prunes are for purists and traditionalists. This matchup is stat nerds vs classic pooping, and the old guys still have some fight. You might be surprised by how many folks in retirement homes are rocking the vote.

Natty 

Natty light is a clear powerhouse in the bracket. It would not surprise a single person if they crush everybody. The problem is that Natty is basically Auburn during Cam Newton's year: everybody knows he cheated, they really shouldn't have let him play, but everyone swept that under the rug because he was fun to watch. With coffee and dip both facing tournament bans, it's hard to see how Natty tiptoed its way in. Natty is the only drink in this bracket, the only entrant that you could not physically survive on, and the only one that can leave you feeling miserable for an entire day. Those are the issues with voting for Natty. When it comes time to dance though, Natty sure does make some beautiful music.

Vote in the comments or on twitter @bupoops, @wtbubeanpot or @evilbigshibber. Feel free to stir up discussion with your thoughts and experiences. Voting ends Saturday at midnight (or 12 AM Sunday).

Sloppy Joes Upset Cheesesteaks!

Granted the 8-9 matchup should go either way, but cheesesteaks came out to a commanding early lead. Cheesesteak supporters were ripping on the bracket, saying it wasn't even close and it was an embarrassment that they would be so low. Well who's the embarrassment now? The inspiration for this bracket out in the first round. Who would have thought? This is awesome, baby!

(8) Cheesesteak vs. (9) Sloppy Joes

Game two pits two titans against each other: cheesesteak vs sloppy joe. Let's get to it.

Cheesesteak: 

Born in the shitty streets of Philly, it would seem appropriate that a food spawned by shit would produce some of the biggest bombs on the board. Generally made of low quality meat, the bread acts like a grease trap that builds up some force once it hits. You'll be stopped up until the moment of truth, where you'll burst like a pipe on a submarine. Everybody panics. Throw in cheese wiz on top of that and you're on the IR for two weeks for a lower body injury.

Sloppy joe:

Cue the mother fucking noise for this one.

Haven't eaten a sloppy joe in a long time, but when you consider the shits it gives you that's probably a good thing. This is a book you can judge by a cover, seeing how the book looks like a "cook" with questionable hygiene stepped out back to top off a bun with Catfish John's butt juice. 

This one should go to the wire.

Vote in the comments or on twitter @bupoops, @wtbubeanpot or @evilbigshibber. Feel free to stir up discussion with your thoughts and experiences. Voting ends Thursday at midnight (or 12 AM Friday).